I’m Afraid That Once I’ve Married My Boyfriend, His Past Will Come Knocking at Our Door

Concerns arise from his past.

The sex advice column of Slate, “How to Do It,” welcomes all questions. Need advice? Submit your queries anonymously to Jessica and Rich.

Dear How to Do It,
My partner Kevin and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half, and he seems like the perfect life companion. His sister hinted to me that he’s been browsing engagement rings, so I anticipate a proposal soon. However, there’s one thing that’s giving me doubts.
During his college days, Kevin had numerous sexual encounters. The idea of him being intimate with other women before we met doesn’t bother me. What concerns me is the potential scenario where a woman could show up claiming child support after we are married, or later on, a previously unknown child reaching out to him. Considering Kevin’s past, are my worries valid, and should they make me hesitant about accepting his proposal?
—Uncertain About the Future

Dear Uncertain About the Future,
The possibility of unexpected children is always a risk when dating a man who wasn’t celibate until marriage. Kevin’s history of multiple sexual encounters in college does indeed raise your awareness of this possibility. A crucial missing detail would be whether he consistently used protection during these encounters. While not foolproof, contraceptives significantly lower the risk of pregnancy. It’s also important to know if he followed up with partners after instances where protection might have failed. If he was having unprotected encounters, that’s one thing. But if he took precautions, the likelihood of him having an unknown child is reduced.
When deciding to marry someone, your feelings, including your concerns, should be taken into account. Your unease is making you pause, so it’s worth reflecting on the source of your apprehensions. Do you sense any irresponsibility from Kevin’s past that still affects your relationship? Are your views on family structures rigid, and are you prepared for unforeseen circumstances like divorce or death? Do you have reservations about having children in your life? Would you be open to Kevin having a relationship with any potential children from the past? It’s crucial to explore these aspects.
Additionally, consider if you can communicate this concern with Kevin and discuss how to handle such a situation. If you find it difficult to open up to him about this, it might be a reason to decline the proposal. However, if you both can address your worries openly, it could lead to a more comfortable path forward.
—Jessica

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