Bar Etiquette Advice for Tipping, Dates, and Drinking Alone

Is it okay to return a dish if you don’t like it? How do we split the bill in a group without causing a conflict in the chat? In our restaurant etiquette column, Code of Conduct, we delve into the dos and don’ts of being a good diner. Have a question? Reach out to us by email!

At your local bar, bartenders not only serve drinks but also offer life advice. If you’re unsure about bar etiquette or feel awkward about how to behave on a night out, John deBary is here to assist you. As a drinks writer and the general manager of Mission Chinese Food in New York City, he draws on his extensive nightlife experience to address common dilemmas you may hesitate to ask about.

What’s the appropriate tipping rate at bars nowadays? Is $1–$2 per drink still considered standard?
My guideline is that if you’re at a bar with service similar to a restaurant, and you’re occupying a seat and ordering from a cocktail menu, 20 percent is the minimum tip. If it’s a place where you’re just getting a basic drink like beer or gin and tonic, $1–$2 per drink is acceptable.

Consider this: Should bartenders take customers’ phones and keep them behind the bar during their visit? While it might be a bit extreme, what constitutes acceptable phone use at the bar and when should you engage without distractions?
While confiscating phones may seem drastic, there could be a demand for phone-free establishments. Phone etiquette varies based on the situation, but the key is to ensure your phone is on silent and doesn’t disrupt others while at a bar or restaurant. As long as you’re not making noise with your phone or ignoring your surroundings while ordering, it’s fine. A good bartender should cater to guests’ needs without seeking unnecessary attention. If someone prefers to browse their phone in peace while enjoying a drink, let them be.

I’ve always enjoyed going to bars alone to chat with bartenders and meet other patrons, but lately, it seems no one is interested. I don’t want to pressure anyone into conversation, so what’s the expected behavior when you’re solo at the bar?
In such cases, it’s crucial to gauge the context and cues. At lively bars, it’s not odd to strike up a conversation with someone willing to engage. However, it’s essential to be attentive to social cues and respect if someone prefers solitude.

How should I respond if someone at the bar buys me a drink, but I’m not interested?
Bars should discourage strangers from buying drinks for others, as this practice can be outdated and potentially predatory. If a bartender unexpectedly brings a drink paid for by someone else, it’s acceptable to decline and leave. Conversely, if you wish to buy a drink for someone without seeming intrusive, always seek their consent. If there’s mutual interest, proceed graciously; if not, respect their decision.

A rowdy group at the bar is disrupting the atmosphere. How can I ask the bartender to intervene without appearing like a troublemaker?
The approach depends on the bar’s environment. In rowdy settings, it may be common, but if a group is excessively disturbing others, staff should address the situation preemptively. If not, treat it like any other concern and politely request assistance from an employee.

My date is going poorly. Any advice on gracefully exiting a challenging situation?
If your date isn’t going well, engaging the bartender for help could be an option. Some initiatives have been introduced in the industry to signal when assistance is needed, like ordering a specific drink. However, the effectiveness of such signals relies on everyone knowing them, which may defeat the purpose. Ideally, communicate openly with your date about leaving if necessary, involving the staff only as a last resort. If needed, discreetly inform the bartender of your situation, who may assist you in settling the bill and making a graceful exit, while being mindful of potential risks to others.