I’m a psychologist who studies couples—the No. 1 phrase that breaks up relationships: It’s ‘more damaging than you think’

Relationships don’t crumble overnight. They often deteriorate due to accumulated small missteps that eventually become too heavy to handle.

Having worked with many couples as a psychologist, I’ve observed a common issue. Partners usually seek help for frequent fights or arguments, but upon closer examination, the root cause is often the hurtful phrases used during these conflicts.

One particularly damaging phrase that surfaces in arguments is: “Why can’t you be more like [insert another person’s name]?” This comparison can lead to deep-seated insecurities and feelings of inadequacy in the partner being compared.

Using such comparisons in a relationship signifies underlying issues of fear and communication barriers. Partners should strive to express their needs openly and honestly, without resorting to harmful comparisons. Research indicates that partners may hesitate to voice their frustrations due to uncertainty about the relationship or fear of their partner’s reaction.

Rather than comparing their partner to someone else, individuals should focus on expressing their needs directly and without judgment. This approach fosters a healthy communication environment and promotes emotional closeness in relationships.

Instead of making comparisons, it is better to introspect and communicate your needs clearly. Express your feelings and desires without pointing to someone else as a model. This kind of open and honest communication is essential for building trust and fostering a strong relationship.

Mark TraversPhD, a psychologist specializing in relationships, emphasizes the importance of loving partners as unique individuals and communicating openly and respectfully. He suggests focusing on personal experiences and needs rather than making comparisons with others in relationships.